The big decision

I leave for the house on holy hill---not it's real name--- in a little over 2 weeks. September has a been a different type of month. Normally, I'd be rushing around getting ready and beginning to teach English at a local high school. This year, however, I've resigned from my job and am moving to another state to begin looking at where I want to be in my life and what I want to be doing with my life.

While successfully having taught for 5 years, I knew that I wanted something more. I wanted the work of my soul to match the work of my hands. At first my school was my beloved and then it began to be more and more of an obstacle and then a frustration and then just a place that provided a paycheck--yes, a nice one---but not worth the toxic atmosphere that was developing. I was turning into the teacher that I always used to talk about --I began spending more and more of my work time as an opportunity to work on my college ministry program, plan for my trip to Africa or to research religious communities. The kids loved it, especially when I didnt feel like fighting with my students for control or to get them to pay attention to Julius Ceasar. I began putting on videos or giving free days. When the clock hit 2.40pm, I was gone. I had to get out. I felt like an animal in a cage that was waiting, pacing and wanting to be somewhere else. The kids started to notice and some began to ask if I was getting ready to go somewhere. Some asked if I was coming back from Africa and some just loved the less stressed out/ less inclined to give homework teacher. Yes, I got the bare minimum done and 99% of my students passed the exit exam required for graduation but my heart wasnt into it.

After 3 weeks in Ghana, West Africa and a 2 week discernment retreat, I was invited by the house on holy hill to come and try my stint at postulancy. Postulancy is a six month period where the postulant is really sinking into community life and transfering over from the secular world to the religious life. It's a religious boot camp pure and simple. If I choose to stay after these six months, then I'll enter the novice phase and become clothed in Holy Hill's habit and become a provisional sister.

I have come to SF to say my goodbyes to my parents. I have lived in Southern California for 7 years and have never had a desire to return to San Francisco. Yes, my parents are here but my community and my "family" are in the Los Angeles are. I have spent only 1 day here so far and I have realized that I don't have much here except my dna providers and my elderly grandmother. I spent much of the day driving around visiting old places--my old house, my grandfather's house, my old school, etc. I was surprised at the affluence and the excess of my childhood as I was cruising around in my grandmother's high end luxury car. The church where we spent every saturday night has now been demolished and a new housing complex with homes that sell for 2.2 million stand on streets such as chapel cove and saints avenue. I felt Homer Simpson surpirsed when I looked over to see a church and saw a huge house instead and I dont mean a bigger house of God.

I had been dreading having dinner with mom all day. She was one who was quite resistant to the idea of religious life as it was not within the Catholic church. At first she would bemoan that I was the sacrificial lamb and that she would never have a grandchild. I gently reminded her of my sexuality and she was comforted slightly. However, as the months elapsed between the initial religious coming out and our dinner tonight, I can tell that she has accepted it a little more and is now patting herself on the back for having a vocationally oriented child. We had a great chinese dinner and then we watched antique roadshow. I knew that I was going to have to say goodbye and when i said that I was leaving, she looked disappointed and wanted me to stay a little more. It was the first time in a long time that I have felt how loved I am by her. It was not the sorrowful, scary goodbye that we shared when I left for college. Instead, she embraced me and said, "Good Luck and behave". I appreciate and love her more than she knows even though we stand on the opposite sides of political issues and church ideas.

All day long today I've known that I'm doing the right thing even though I can't see where I'm going. I'm excited and anticipating getting to know a new area and a new climate. I've gotten to discover websites and stores that Californians normally dont have to use such as L.L.Bean and Eddie Bauer. As my friend the lawyer would say, "I didnt know that sisters shopped at such stores!" Surprise!!