I found my blog---:)

I thought that this was missing along with my itunes, but it's not. It was buried in a network file on my computer which the computer guy established yesterday. So, here, gentle readers, is what I worked on during my first weekend in Holy Hill.

October 8--11 2005
It’s about 7.50pm on the East Coast right now. I’ve been in my room uploading photos and listening to my 8 days worth of itunes music. I was informed by someone that I needed to take off my pictures from my camera and put them on my computer. I am realizing how final this move seems- and at some moments during the days that feels good and some times during that same day I am scared beyond all belief. It was, however, a relief to get on the plane. It was the first time I had been by myself in a week. My community sent me off in full fan fare and I was amazed at the love shown me. The chief drove me to the airport super early and I was left to negotiate the airport lines with my 2 big bags, a laptop bag, a full backpack and a bag full of food from the chief’s kitchen. I felt overwhelmed, scared, lonely and glad to finally be at this jumping off point. I had been talking about coming here for some time and suddenly there was flight 222 headed to my destination. Included in the food bag, there was a spoon that got lost along the way and I ended up only eating fruit for the journey, which was a huge improvement from the good, high caloric food I had been eating in my goodbye week. After getting through security, and finally arriving at the gate, I realized that it was just me and God in this limbo land between lives. The flight was non eventful as I slept through most of it. However, usually when there is a bathroom around, I feel compelled to visit it but for this flight I had a window seat and held it until we were above Detroit. After hitting massive amounts of turbulence, I knew I couldn’t hold it any more and had to literally climb over the folks in my row. After 5 hours, I touched down and I felt ok, exhausted but ok.

I was met at the airport by SKF (all holy hill members will be identified only by initials) who was sporting the full habit and you should have seen the looks as we wheeled my bags through the airport. We arrived at holy hill after vespers had started so I had about 10 minutes before everyone came racing out of chapel to greet me. It was wonderful being so welcomed, so loved and so accepted. I ate dinner and immediately went to bed and was not required to do morning prayer and had almost 14 hours of sleep. I needed it. While eating dinner, I felt relieved to have arrived and the meal of chicken noodle soup and crusty bread was comforting.

My room for the next week is on the guest floor, right across from the superior. On October 15, 2005 I will be received as a postulant in the community and will move to the community only 3rd floor. Currently my room has all my African fabrics up and on the bed. My desk and window sill are covered with my books and stuff that I don’t want to put away as I’m leaving this room soon. Weather wise, Friday and Saturday it was about 70 and the humidity is at 100%--and I’m getting teased for bringing west coast weather with me. The chapel was unbearably hot and sisters were sitting there wiping the sweat off their faces before it dripped onto their prayer books.

There are 2 possible vocation people here this weekend as it’s the “Come and See” weekend. I am the go between and these two women are really interesting and we’ve just been sharing our stories. Today we went out to close up one of the houses on the Cape Cod properties and ended up just sitting around on the enclosed porch watching the ocean and talking. We were treated to dessert on the way home and I had this Danish custard in candy corn flavor with actual frozen candy corn from a place called Far Fars and it was hugely sweet and sickeningly sweet; my flavor choice didn’t help much---candy corn on top of pumpkin. I was really only able to eat about ½ of it.

I am feeling surprisingly emotional and at times I feel so sad and so homesick for everything I knew. I am reminded by a bookmark to “trust the process” and to trust God always. I love the community but I am grieving my old life—my church, my cats, my best friends, etc. I feel as if I am in the dark and I know, I know that there is transformation ahead but this is a tough place to be in.

After dinner tonight, I came up to my room and listened to itunes and watched a slide slow and wept as the pictures of pre-holy hill were spinning by. I know that there are wonderful things ahead, and that I am exhausted and that this transition isn’t done or even close. I am comforted by God when I wrap my African prayer mantle around me and think over and over, “I come with joy to meet my Lord, forgiven, loved and free.” I have surrendered.

I came out of compline –the last service of the day--- and was greeted by the superior in the hallway. She whispered, “how are you?” and with tears in my eyes I murmured “I’m having a really, really hard time right now.” Sister X the superior is a feisty little woman with piercing eyes and a southern drawl. She grabbed me by the arms, planted a huge kiss on my face and said three things. “I knew that you were having a hard time. #1—we love you and love having you here! #2—you are called by God to be here and you know that’s true. #3 You don’t need the outside world, you need this place so you can go out and minister to the world.” Afterwards, I curled up in my African fabric and fell asleep.

Sunday was a day where the sisters and the 2 vocations people and I sat around discussing the four points of religious life that radiate out from the center of God. The points are ---the city, the monastery, the desert and the dialogue/learning. If you’re interested in more about this, email me. While we were sitting in the circle, I knew that this is where I was meant to be and that I wanted to be here, even though I miss my community in the west desperately at times. I was talking to the other sisters and they said, “get ready to cry a lot. We did and it’s totally normal.”

Monday is the community Sabbath day. This means no offices, no meals prepared formally and it’s a chance to sleep a lot, read the paper all day, go down into the city via mass transit, do laundry and get everything done that isn’t able to be done during the busy week. I woke up around 930 and showered, ate some cereal and headed off to the center of town to see a movie, grab some Mexican food—there is no comparison between West Coast and East Coast food. It’s been raining a lot and is supposed to be dark and rainy all week. Sister X mentioned to me that there is a light machine in the exercise room and she wants me to spend some time there.

Raccoon would have been so proud of little ol monk_1975 on the t line today---the subway system here. I decided that I wanted to get out of the house today and go exploring this new town. The only way to do that was to use my two feet. It was a dark and rainy day and one of the sisters let me borrow her umbrella but it was half broken so my first stop after emerging off of the T was to go to the local pharmacy and buy an umbrella and I think that was what about half of the town had decided to do. I also asked for directions to the movie theatre and was relieved to know that I had gotten off on the right stop.

I went down to the Loews movie house and saw a movie that even pushed my limits. Anyone who knows me, especially my college roomie, can tell you that I can watch almost any and all stupid teeny bopper movie. I was in the mood to laugh and to see something light hearted. I saw the movie---“waiting”---and it was terrible but there were some really, really funny, but absolutely disgusting moments. I did have some big belly laughs though. When the movie was over, I went to a Mexican place that I had found when I was out here before and ate a huge, huge, plate of nachos and read Jane/People magazine. Apparently, there is an underground magazine rotation between the sisters here, especially the under 40 set, so I will put the Jane magazine under someone’s door. I am also reading Br. Benet Tvedten’s the view from a monastery and Jennifer Weiner’s In her shoes in case you’re wondering.

I’m sitting here in my room, it’s about 830pm and I’m listening to a copy of the Chief’s “Greatest Hits of South Africa” which I uploaded while staying at her place. I watched a bit of an x-files episode, did my laundry and spoke to three people on the phone. Apparently the phone cards I’m using show different numbers each time I call. When I called the Raccoon from the movie theatre today, I also lost 20 minutes of calling time as a penalty for using the pay phone. I’m feeling good now. I have my moments of missing people and I really, really refrained from calling people this weekend as I know that I cannot sink into this community if I am still trying desperately to hold onto my west coast community. However, as I was walking, yes, don’t laugh, I walked about 3 miles today by choice—I thought, well, God, here we are and I feel good. I know that I’m not alone, in the slightest bit and that I am called to do some great work. Sometimes it’s hard to have to ask to use the phone or to tell someone where I’m going but in a way it’s similar to being in my early days of sobriety where I had to report in to my sponsor.

Tomorrow, my computer will be connected to the internet so I can send emails and post this section of my blog. I am going in for my psychological testing tomorrow which will take about three hours. Sister X has told me not to worry about it. I also have to have a 5 year back ground check which apparently this bishop of this diocese will sign off on.

I have also found out that I’ll be going to New York City in about 2 weeks and I am really, really excited about it. Apparently the house we’re staying in is right about the dunking donuts shop and on the way to the fulton fish market. We will join the sisters at Trinity Church Wall Street for a huge service that I think is similar to my old church’s homecoming celebration. Afterwards, we will be given a ton of free time and as Sister X said, “you all will be turned loose for some free time to tear the city up”

You are all in my thoughts and prayers—
Peace,
Monk_1975