growth spurts

Dear Gentle Readers,

I've decided to post about a decision that I have been battling against making since I stepped off the plane a little over 7 weeks ago. In these weeks, I've been forced to look at myself, inside, outside and upside down--light has been shined in the dark crevices and nothing has gone unexamined. In these weeks, I've come to see another, deeper side of myself, a side that is totally incompatible with religious life. I've not been honest about how miserable I've been feeling and what I really, really desire.

I made the decision to leave California and come back East way, way, way too fast without processing anything from my summer in Africa.

I've finally been able to see that my hearts desire is to be in a relationship, to be active in the outside world, to make retreats and not to live a retreat, to maybe have kids, to maybe not have kids. To be active as a lay person with a life both at church and in the world. Yet, I had to come here to find this out. The other day at Eucharist, I thought, wow, this is a lot to have to give up or put on hold in order to realize my deepest desires of honest to God intimacy with another person.

I made the decision to leave the community on monday night and the superiors knew on tuesday morning. They were not surprised and had seen this coming. I lived as postulant--soon to be non-postulant--until late Thursday night. Some members of the community knew and some will find the notice posted in the mailroom or they'll see me in secular clothes tomorrow or they'll hear about it at the morning meeting. It was difficult to be in this outfit as I knew the part was over. Tomorrow, I move into the 2nd floor--guest/older sister/open floor and will be there until I leave. It was awkward at times, it was hard at times, it was a chance to live into the decision I made to leave. At times I wanted to shout---hey, look at the big pink postulant in the middle of the room.

To put some closure on this season, however short it was, and to sort out my options--I'll be here at least through Thankgiving so I can adjust and the community can adjust to the change. Upon return after Christmas, which I will spend in SF with my family, I will probably teach again and slowly adjust back to life and see where I am called and how I can incorporate what I learned here into my life.

I do not regret coming here.

In a way, when it all came down to it the convent was a place where I met both myself and God on a deeper level. It was a place where I wrestled with desires I had brought with me, even though I didnt know I had packed them. I am glad I did this. It has been a sacred gift, a chance to go deeper and to discern my desires. The fact that I could answer with more clarity the question--what do you desire ---means that the process works.

St. Theresa said,
"Let us make our way together, Lord; wherever you go I must go: and
Through whatever you pass, there too I will pass."

Thanks for listening and being on this journey with me,

Stay tuned, the adventure is still strong.

Love-
me

ps--why the name change? Because the concept of "me" is open and fluid as monk_1975 is limiting and only one part of who I am. I'll always have monk-ish parts but there's room for more.