awkward party of one....

Dear Gentle Readers-
It's been a busy morning. The community officially found out either last night or early this morning when I walked into morning prayer wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. As my friend the Raccoon said, in regard to the distance I am feeling between the community and myself, "the community has to stop falling in love with you." The same is true the other way around as well. I have lived, worked, cried, prayed and laughed with these women and I have felt at ease here and comfortable. I feel genuine love towards them, especially some of the older crusties that I watch wheel of fortune with. The other postulant is avoiding me as if her vocation is at stake. I did tell the superiors that I am willing to talk about what and why I decided what I did. I need to be open. I just feel vulnerable and wobbly right now.

I know that this sounds wierd but today feels like when a couple splits but decides to live in the same house for a while til the other can get back on their feet. The complicated dance begins. Things feel ambigious and gray at times. I sort of move between my room, the kitchen and the bathroom. Today I'm not feeling comfortable anywhere else. I feel confused. I feel fragile. I feel very tired. I feel sad and wonder what the hell I'm supposed to be doing now. Yet, I'm glad to just have time to sit and think/feel/pray this transition through.

I have moved rooms. I am now on the 2nd floor in a guest suite. As I was leaving my 3rd floor room, I stopped briefly and was grateful for the ideas and the knowledge that I wrestled with in there. The room seemed so much different with all my pictures gone and my fabrics gone. It took about 10 trips to get everything into this new room. The first thing I did in this room was to move the bed against the wall--I dont like my bed in the middle of the room. I have not unpacked a lot, just what I think I need for the next week or so.

love-
me