2006 and beyond

Dear Gentle readers-

I wonder how many are still reading. It's a Saturday night late in February and I'm back at the blogging life. I hadn't written in so many months as life was in full force and I was akin to a bouncey ball shooting all over the room. I have been painfully, joyfully, emotionally, and acutely re-entering life after a shot at the religious community of St. Maragaret's in Boston. I was with the sisters for almost 2 and 1/2 months --which some days felt like a million years and some days felt like a blink of an eye. I left in early December and it's been a long, short, strange and ordinary journey to come to where I stand today.

When I left Boston, I was convinced that vocational life was done and that my trials and tribulations were no longer going to plague me and that my darkest nights were behind me. I thought that I had walked through hell and back and was done. WRONG. The transformation and the growth and the joy and the wonder and the pain and the pleasure continued and continued and continued. I look forward with both awe and trepidation to what is unfolding.

The other day in a sermon given by the rector of my church, I saw the following passage that really struck home with me.

"My wife said that for every transformative experience and every victory, we must work that transformation and work that victory."

Transformations can happen without our consent but I think the transformations that are life and soul changing are those that we have let go of the expected results and just work to the best of who we are and are open to what is going to happen.

I am amazed to look back at the short and long journey from December 5th to almost Ash Wednesday and am quite surprised, amused and in awe at how solidly I was supported, encouraged and loved throughout this period of continued self-discovery and awareness. I have never been so loved in such an unconditional manner. The words "welcome home" have never felt so wonderful and they were not voiced by my parents. It was such a joyous homecoming.

I was walking into my house today and thinking that I am finally feeling at home here back in Pasadena and back teaching. I've been here since December but am finally feeling comfortable. I am finally feeling comfortable at my job which is teaching 7th and 8th grade middle school English. My friends and I are feeling comfortable as we negotiate what it's like to for me to be back. It feels both strangely familiar and yet brand new. It's a fine line.

I saw this prayer in the on-line office and was inspired.

A Prayer of Self-Dedication
Almighty and eternal God, so draw our hearts to you, so guide our minds, so fill our imaginations, so control our wills, that we may be wholly yours, utterly dedicated unto you; and then use us, we pray you, as you will, and always to your glory and the welfare of your people; through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Amen--I say again.