my latest letter to the superior

Dear Sister X

I have just had one of the hardest experiences of my life--- giving away my cats. Oranage is next door at the neighbors and is hiding in the litter box. Catcher cried the entire trip to her new home and arrived with no voice. I know that they will be loved and are in good hands. MY house feels empty and I expect them to come up to the door.

The storage men are coming tomorrow to put what's left of my apartment into a container. My entire apt is now either boxed , covered or shrink wrapped. The organist from church is coming over to keep me company while the movers are here. It's such a strange feeling to watch what's left being put into boxes and then carted away. I do not know how J packed her house in 2 days, it took me about a month doing it a bit at a time.

The word that keeps surfacing that would describe my life right now despite moments of sadness is celebration. I am so loved by my community and I feel supported and lifted up and celebrated. I could not do all of this without their support and encouragement.

I will be staying with my priest W from Sunday through Thursday night and she is driving me to the airport on early thursday morning.

I will not be traveling with a cell phone. I am canceling service before I go.

Give a big hello to everyone for me.
Love-
monk_1975

We shall run on the path of God's commandments, our hearts overflowing with the inexpressible delight of love---St. Benedict

Flight Plan lacks a plan

My friend and I went to see Flight Plan last night and there were 2 shining moments...
1.) When my friend arrived in a great mood just like me...
2.) When Jodi Foster whips off her sweater and runs around showing off her buff arms

Spare yourself. Don't see this movie.

Peace out,

monk_1975

and the days go by....faster and faster

I’m in the last few days before moving my house and its meager possessions go into storage. My friend the minesweeper said, “There are slim pickings here”. I am glad that I’m not a pack rat but I’ve been packing up a bit here and a bit there at a time. It’s really, really helped. The other postulant for Holy Hill apparently packed up her house in a matter of 2 to 3 days. I’d be so overwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, I am a bit overwhelmed and sometimes I realize what’s really going on and I have to dig out the cold stone ice cream cake from my party on Saturday night and tune out with MTV’s my super sweet sixteen show. On a side rant, a country road as a friend says, I cannot believe how much these parents are shelling out for a sixteenth birthday party and getting celebrities to sing and perform. I think that on my 16th birthday, after flunking my driving exam by driving into a curb, I went to a bad Mexican restaurant and had virgin margaritas.

So my house, after donating a lot to Goodwill and to my neighbors, is in the almost empty phase. I’ve got these big bags for my chairs and couch and bed and I need to figure out which friend of mine will help me put them in. Perhaps that’s what the movers can also help with.

The cats…..they know…..they’re scared…..they’re needy right now….they’re hiding….they’re on top of me. I have had these guys since I was newly sober. Translation—they have horribly boundaries and no manners. An ex of mine used to get very, very upset about my lack of cat discipline and asked me if I was going to raise our children the same way I was raising the cats. I promptly asked her if a litter box for the kids would save on the cost of diapers. She didn’t think it was funny. The cats are going to good homes and they will be well taken care of but they will be deeply missed by me.

Even my house doesn’t want me to leave. It’s having major plumbing issues and my toilet and tub are severely backed up and it’s really not pleasant having to go to Starbucks to use the bathroom.

Space bags are the coolest. I was watching TV in a fit of procrastination when I saw these bags. They cost about 6.00 and you can shove a large amount of clothes into this plastic bag and then put a vacuum cleaner on this special hole and all the air gets sucked out and the bag shrinks. It made packing a lot easier and I was able to get most of what I wanted to take into my bags. Bathrobes and bulky jackets are not fun to pack.

More later as the day progresses. I’m off to Goodwill to drop off my stuff and get the car’s oil changed for my big road trip to SF this weekend to drop of my car.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers…..

Peace out,
Monk_1975

Leaving San Francisco

It's a dreary day here in San Francisco. I am at the end of my 2 and 1/2 day trip up to see my parents and to see some of my old stomping grounds. It was a very, very quiet trip. I flew in on Sunday night and am leaving today, wednesday, to return back to LA. I am very, very glad that I have chosen to fly out of LAX instead of SFO. My community is truly in Los Angeles.

My dad and I had some good breakfasts together--well, 2--- but they were full of fun and good food. However, dinner with my grandmother was another story. She's 85 and refuses to admit that she's getting older. My dad serves as an antagonist to her and bothers her to the point of her getting flustered. We went out for an ok Italian meal. Besides the awful behavior of my 6 year old sister, not much happened. Ariella entertained all by smacking her lips, chowing down on a loaf of bread, ordering veggie soup and then loudly saying she didn't like it and lastly, asking for an order of chow mein. I'd try to ask her to behave and she'd look at me and say, "I know, I know, you were smacked in the face when you were a little kid but daddy doesnt care now." I know that my dad cares but I think that he's too tired to deal with her. I appreciate that the majority of meals are eaten in silence in Boston --that way you arent forced to make inane chit chat. We do talk on Saturday night, all day sunday and all day monday and other feast days.

I have spent more time with my step sister Sarah who is 17 and a senior in high school. I basically lived in her room as it has the internet, a good bed and a tv. Sarah was very curious about holy hill and even went on line to check it out. Sarah and I watched mtv and then went and rented The Ring 2---dont bother to watch it. We turned it off after a half hour.

Otherwise, I've spent a lot of time in Borders Books and at Starbucks. As I told a friend, it was almost retreat like at times. My trusty ipod kept me company. I did discover a great book about Hildegarde of Bingen. More on that later but it must have been funny to see me at Borders slumped in a chair with a high calorie drink reading all the gay magazines and then switching to Thomas Merton and Dorothy Day. I felt more at home at Borders than I did at my dad's house.

SF is being attacked right now by Tropical Storm Max. Who comes up with these names? I'm sure that this will make my flight time be pushed back.

spell check???

Yes, I know I'm an English teacher but after reading horribly mispelled essays for 5 years, I discovered that I have lost much of my ability to spell words properly. I also can't figure out how to make the spell check button work....so bear with me through these intial posts.

I'm also amazed at how racist the tv show "Family Guy" is.

The big decision

I leave for the house on holy hill---not it's real name--- in a little over 2 weeks. September has a been a different type of month. Normally, I'd be rushing around getting ready and beginning to teach English at a local high school. This year, however, I've resigned from my job and am moving to another state to begin looking at where I want to be in my life and what I want to be doing with my life.

While successfully having taught for 5 years, I knew that I wanted something more. I wanted the work of my soul to match the work of my hands. At first my school was my beloved and then it began to be more and more of an obstacle and then a frustration and then just a place that provided a paycheck--yes, a nice one---but not worth the toxic atmosphere that was developing. I was turning into the teacher that I always used to talk about --I began spending more and more of my work time as an opportunity to work on my college ministry program, plan for my trip to Africa or to research religious communities. The kids loved it, especially when I didnt feel like fighting with my students for control or to get them to pay attention to Julius Ceasar. I began putting on videos or giving free days. When the clock hit 2.40pm, I was gone. I had to get out. I felt like an animal in a cage that was waiting, pacing and wanting to be somewhere else. The kids started to notice and some began to ask if I was getting ready to go somewhere. Some asked if I was coming back from Africa and some just loved the less stressed out/ less inclined to give homework teacher. Yes, I got the bare minimum done and 99% of my students passed the exit exam required for graduation but my heart wasnt into it.

After 3 weeks in Ghana, West Africa and a 2 week discernment retreat, I was invited by the house on holy hill to come and try my stint at postulancy. Postulancy is a six month period where the postulant is really sinking into community life and transfering over from the secular world to the religious life. It's a religious boot camp pure and simple. If I choose to stay after these six months, then I'll enter the novice phase and become clothed in Holy Hill's habit and become a provisional sister.

I have come to SF to say my goodbyes to my parents. I have lived in Southern California for 7 years and have never had a desire to return to San Francisco. Yes, my parents are here but my community and my "family" are in the Los Angeles are. I have spent only 1 day here so far and I have realized that I don't have much here except my dna providers and my elderly grandmother. I spent much of the day driving around visiting old places--my old house, my grandfather's house, my old school, etc. I was surprised at the affluence and the excess of my childhood as I was cruising around in my grandmother's high end luxury car. The church where we spent every saturday night has now been demolished and a new housing complex with homes that sell for 2.2 million stand on streets such as chapel cove and saints avenue. I felt Homer Simpson surpirsed when I looked over to see a church and saw a huge house instead and I dont mean a bigger house of God.

I had been dreading having dinner with mom all day. She was one who was quite resistant to the idea of religious life as it was not within the Catholic church. At first she would bemoan that I was the sacrificial lamb and that she would never have a grandchild. I gently reminded her of my sexuality and she was comforted slightly. However, as the months elapsed between the initial religious coming out and our dinner tonight, I can tell that she has accepted it a little more and is now patting herself on the back for having a vocationally oriented child. We had a great chinese dinner and then we watched antique roadshow. I knew that I was going to have to say goodbye and when i said that I was leaving, she looked disappointed and wanted me to stay a little more. It was the first time in a long time that I have felt how loved I am by her. It was not the sorrowful, scary goodbye that we shared when I left for college. Instead, she embraced me and said, "Good Luck and behave". I appreciate and love her more than she knows even though we stand on the opposite sides of political issues and church ideas.

All day long today I've known that I'm doing the right thing even though I can't see where I'm going. I'm excited and anticipating getting to know a new area and a new climate. I've gotten to discover websites and stores that Californians normally dont have to use such as L.L.Bean and Eddie Bauer. As my friend the lawyer would say, "I didnt know that sisters shopped at such stores!" Surprise!!