If the head phones are on....I'm not listening

Greetings Gentle Readers-

It feels so good to be back home. After spending the weekend in New York City, this place feels like a sanctuary as opposed to the 24 buzz of New York City and the shaking of the apartment due to the rushing of the A train below. We left here on Friday, took the bus down and I watched the changing leaves and the beauty of a New England fall.

I'm exhausted, so here's a brief listing of what I did this weekend in NYC.

1.) Arrive in NYC
2.) Dinner with the NYC sisters
3) Walk to World Trade Center site and St. Paul's Chapel
4) Called Chief Umfundisi from ground zero, other postulant hovered around
5) Stayed out until we were sure that the sisters had gone to bed.

We were given such freedom and you can bet that I took advantage of it. At times, the other postulant didnt seem eager to embrace life outside of the rules but that's her stuff and not mine.

Saturday -
6) I spent the day with my old drama student Thomas who is a freshman at NYU. It was wonderful to see an old, familiar face. We did New York touristy things--- Staten Island Ferry, Statue of Liberty, Subway systems, 42nd Street, Broadway, Times Square. We were going to go on the ferris wheel inside the Toys R Us but the line was an hour long. We had NY pizza, laughed and enjoyed each others company. It was sad to part from Thomas but I had a dinner engagement with the sisters and the other postulant.

6.5) Calling my friend the Raccoon to discover that she was out with a ton of my friends. I talked on the phone at the 42nd Street station as the trains rushed by. I couldn't have been luckier and happier. It was great to talk to the Urban Intern, Gold Shoes, Chief Umfundisi and last but not least, High Standards Fairy. I missed them so much when I had to go.

7.) I had the most bland kung pao chicken ever--I should have opted for a bowl of noodles and hot sauce--while the other postulant tried to gain attention to eating red peppers and then almost dying due to the taste.


Sunday-

8) Morning Prayer at 7am
9) A snooze before 11.15 service
10) A meditation writing class at Trinity Wall Street
11) Stewardship Sunday and the 11.15 service--I thought I had escaped from the stewardship season by leaving my CA church before their season began.
12) After a wonderful lunch , I went off to Central Park, and the Rockafeller center and took the elevator up to the top.
13) Dinner at an Irish Pub right by the house.

Monday

14) Morning Prayer
15) Rush to the Port Authority Bus Station to get on the earliest bus
16) Waiting over an hour and half as the bus was delayed. African and Taize music were playing in my ears but the other postulant didnt get that I was not open for conversation and would randomly say something and sometimes I think she was talking for quite some time before I realized her lips were moving---gentle readers, nothing important was said--in fact it was often a stupid and obvious comment.
17) The other postulant slept the entire 5 hour ride!!!
18) Arrive home and be so glad to see other people.

After getting home, I went to B of A and discovered that opening an account in CA was the dumbest thing to do. I drove to Target and used some of my gift cards to buy myself a 4 cup coffee maker. Yes, there is coffee for the third floor but to get even 1 ounce, one has race out of morning prayer and beat everyone else. Even the 90 year olds race for coffee. It's quite a sight so some people have purchased coffee makers for their rooms to avoid the coffee show down.

It's an unusually hot day here--70 degrees and it's supposed be warmer tomorrow. Apparently there was snow here on Saturday--nice big flakes supposedly. Wednesday is supposed to be cooler and more like typical New England weather.

The doorbell at Holy Hill is ringing as trick or treaters come by. They clearly came to the right place as they are receiving huge bags of quality candy. Perhaps the thinking here is, lets reward those who braved the convent driveway. Apparently one year, a rather large sister dressed in a cow costume to pass out candy--what a sight. Tonight, during dinner everyone ran off to see the trick or treaters; I stayed put eating my dinner. Another black mark on my book I suppose. What are they going to do, send me home? Halloween, ever since I got sober, has never been a fun holiday for me.

Tomorrow is All Saints Day so it will be a feast day and there will be a sung Eucharist, a great mid-day meal and talking during all the meals. There will also be the red vestments and the incense---but nothing beats Trinity Wall Street where the incense was swung so high. Their 11.15 service was great but it made me miss my old church ---a lot!!!!! We have the best music there.

Off to bed!

Thanks for reading and being in my life,
love
monk_1975

change of setting--blog and me

Dear Gentle Readers-
Do not be alarmed. I changed the background and format on my blog because with a new year in my life, I needed something more exciting and something more my style---the color blue is my favorite color. As for me, by the time you read this on Friday, if you're reading this on friday, I'll be on my way to New York City. I am going to meet the other Holy Hill Sisters who live in New York and I'll also get a chance to see an old student of mine who is currently at NYU. He and I are going to go check out the statue of Liberty, ELlis Island and a few other places on Saturday.

Enjoy your weekend!

I'll blog on monday, or if you're lucky, I may even call some lucky blog readers.

Love,
monk_1975

Retreat thoughts

Retreat Day 10/26/2005

Scripture Meditation: Matthew 14:23B-14:33

When evening came, he was there alone, but by this time the boat, battered by the waves, was far from the land, for the wind was against them. And early in the morning, he came walking toward them on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified say, “It is a ghost!” And then they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them and said, “Take heart, it is I; do not be afraid.” Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat, started walking on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and caught him, saying to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” When they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

This passage has always meant a great deal to me. It is an invitation to risk, an invitation to try the unknown, and most importantly, this is an invitation to trust in the seemingly impossible, the countercultural, the things that society says can’t be done, shouldn’t be done or aren’t acceptable to the status quo. When the winds of pressure are blowing and threatening to derail us or to knock us off this course, it is this simple and strong reassurance that we can do whatever we set out to do even if it looks like it will take a miracle to be accomplished successfully.

Furthermore, it is an invitation to action. What caused Peter to speak up when he saw Jesus? Weren’t there other people in the boat who were just as shocked to see their friend walking on the wind whipped water? Did anyone else want to say anything? What held them back? What stirred in Peter’s heart to cause him to physically take action and climb out of the safety of the boat and go into the unknown territory of walking on water? Was there a part of Peter that was telling him that he was crazy? Was there a part of Peter that accessed a realm that was previously unknown that caused his spirit to knock wildly inside his chest as his feet made contact with the water? Was it because his friend was beckoning him? Was it just the simple word, “come”? Had he stopped thinking of all the risks and dangers? Was he just carried along by the presence of his teacher who was calling him?

Within this action filled invitation, there is the reassuring immediacy of the spirit and companionship of Jesus who comes to us when we are in the midst of trouble and sinking due to whatever we are being bogged down with, be it worry, fear, insecurity, doubt or societal pressure that can attack us as we walk boldly along these countercultural paths. To me, there is an image of a strong and sturdy hand being extended immediately in support, in faith and in an effort to support us in this journey. There is someone next to us whom we can cling to, someone we can lean on, someone to support us when we feel as if we are going under. Besides the physical support, which for me, is coming in the form of my new community and family and friends who are with me in this period of discernment and postulancy, there is also a spiritual reassurance, a comfort to my heart that all it takes is trust, a simple trust and a willingness to grab onto what is being extended to us.

Today is my first retreat day; each month everyone gets a day to retreat from the official community schedule to rest, relax and be quiet with God.I was asked to select a scripture passage that I was to use during an Ignatian imaginative meditation.. Originally, I wanted to do the tried and true story of the Prodigal Son but something in me caused me to find the Peter walking on water story. Somehow it just seemed to fit my situation as I try to discern where I am supposed to be and to trust in the process.

This got me thinking about when my friends and I were talking about what our Philip Pullman inspired daemons or soul counterparts would look like. Instantly I thought of the disciple Peter and his complete humanity, his doubt, his impulsiveness, his determination, his frailty, his fear and his great willingness to trust. On a retreat that changed my life, a good friend of mine—who was the lay director of the Covenant II process and one of my favorite people—was talking about the goofball-ness of Peter. When she said that, I began to see Peter in a new light, in a way that was attractive to me, a way that seemed human. It endeared Peter to my heart. Now, what animal to match it with? Well, that was easy, it is my cat named Orange. Orange is a 22 lb orange boy cat who matches the spirit of Peter. Orange is easy going at times; Orange is loving; Orange is trusting; Orange is fiercely loyal; Orange would go anywhere I went; Orange would wait for me; Orange is not afraid to risk and explore as long he knew that I was there to pick him up or to save him. So my daemon is an orange cat named Peter. I’m looking at a picture of him as I type this and I’m so happy that he was a part of my life. I miss him so. He was my prayer cat. Each morning as I did my centering prayer before work, he would jump in my lap, curl up and purr and purr and purr. Actually, whenever I prayed Orange was there, even if a sudden movement would cause him to get up—he always came back, eager to not miss anything.

As I write up this meditative experience, I have just turned thirty years old. I’ve been living in a religious community for 3 weeks, after what seems a lifetime of searching for this place. This passage is significant for me since my life had reached a place where it was time to stay in the boat or get out and trust the process and explore. Sure, I could have stayed in the boat and been ok but perhaps I’d never be completely satisfied or feel complete. But, there was something in my spirit that responded to the irresistible call of “come”—a simple word that gave me such opportunity and permission to swing my legs over the side of my boat and walk away from the old—not forgetting the old but being open to new possibilities and experiences. It is permission to be willing and vulnerable as well as an exercise in growth and openness; all the while trusting that if a fall happens, and they will, that I’ll be supported on all sides. While other friends and family members saw risks and choppy water, I saw an opportunity that couldn’t be missed; I saw my friend and wanted to be with Him.

I know that by trusting in this call, by reaching out for that steady hand, as the prayer book reassures, I “will never hope in vain.” Just as a bird doesn’t think about how her wings are moving up and down against the wind, she is responding to the situation with all her being and floating on the supportive wind, I too am learning to just be present in the moment, to let go of the analysis which is doubt’s way of sneaking in and to respond with all of who I am to this experience of answering the loving invitation of “come”. I don’t have to be perfect. I can fall down. I don’t have to be the best. I don’t have to believe every single second of the journey. I just have to get moving because I could think about it forever and never ever take any action. Thinking is easy as it doesn’t require much. Action, however, is another story as it asks all of who I am to take a gigantic risk and trust in the unknown.

Love,
Monk_1975

Retreat Day 10/26

Dear Gentle Readers,
Whoever said that there is no joy in community or that convent life is no fun (at times, at times!!!) has never had my group of friends or lived in this community. Thanks to all who sent emails, cards, target gift cards and my all time fave ---my sister adjacent t-shirt created by my gay, asian lawyer friend!!!! While we may not have spent time today physically, I feel so loved and so ready to tackle another day, another month, another year.

We have had early night prayer which is great since I feel awful. Probably due to all the sweets I consumed today---there was carrot cake in honor of my birthday and then there was pumpkin pie with dinner, whipped cream in the coffee as we did the dishes and my stash of dunkin donuts. The bad idea bears are partly to blame. So, the amount of sugar I ate today is part of the reason I dont feel good. The other two probable reasons--the clearing up sinus infection and perhaps a reaction to the flu shot I got on Friday. I have a huge welt that itches on my arm where I got the shot.

Tomorrow, 10/26, I am in retreat all day--each person gets one day a month for retreat. While my prayer schedule doesn't change, I am released from all household obligations and I get to think, pray, rest and as the superior says "waste time with God". It's a huge gift and it came at the right time. I've got some books to read and some scriptures assigned and other items that I'm looking forward to working on. As a result of this day, I am not checking email or blogging tomorrow. But, dont fret readers, I'll be back on Thursday.

We are getting slammed by this storm right now. I've been introduced to a new term today-- a "northeaster" which is not a liturgical celebration of Easter in the north. Instead, it's a combination of 3 storms and they've joined together to slam into the northeast. Apparently, Hurricane Wilma caused it.

I'm listening to Ella Fitzgerald and wishing you all a happy evening.

Thanks for being a part of my life! Here's to another year!

Love-
monk_1975

a Quote for you...

Each morning from 630 to 730am there is a sense of stillness and reflection in the house as we transition from morning prayer to the celebration of the Eucharist. A friend, today, sent me this quote that reflects how I am feeling today.

[Today] I wake up to a comfortable stillness,I watch the sunrise, thank God for the day and I smile from my soul.

Love,

Monk_1975

Rainy Dayz--homecooking

Dear Gentle Readers,

If you know me, then the question I was just asked, will be a funny one. I was just in the kitchen when the cook asked me, "Do you like to cook?" HaHaHa--no--that's why I always dated people who could cook. If I ever tried to cook, there were usually ulterior motives involved. The last time I tried cooking in my old house, the entire range caught on fire since the cats had used the stove more than me. What's even funnier is that my ministry to the house (everyone has a ministry to the house --whether its dishes, housekeeping, sacristy/chapel work, portress(answering phone/door when the receptionist isnt here), hospitality or guest relations) is going to food service management. I have told them over and over again, that I do not cook nor do I have a cooking gene anywhere in my DNA makeup. With that said, they patiently told me that it's more my management skills, attention to detail and people handling abilities that make me suited for this job. The community has a cook and dishwasher so it's more of a management position. I guess planning all those parties and lunches for the college group will come in handy. So, to answer the cook's question, no, I don't like to cook. I never cooked at home and I never ever cooked when I was growing up. My mom didnt want people in the kitchen and even then, she didnt cook much herself, except for her big dinner parties that she threw a few times a year. The only home cooked meals I grew up with were at my grandparent's house on Sunday afternoon where the entire family and all the kids and cousins and everyone else, including people who just dropped by and the priests from the local rectory came over for Sunday dinner with us. It was a long, drawn out, home style affair. It usually began around 3pm and lasted until the last bottle of wine was finished or Grandpa walked everyone to the door in his underwear. It was at these meals that I saw first hand drunk dialing when my grandfather would slurr---"lettttzzzz, callllllll (hiccup) myyyyy brotherrrrrrrrr..." If they ever make a sideways movie part two about wine consumption in the elderly, my grandfather would have been a fantastic character.

Last night, gentle readers, I fell asleep listening to David Sedaris's audio book entitled _Dress your family in corderoy (spelling?)_ . I had my earphones on and my laptop on my chest and when I woke up 4 hours later, the book was still going strong. However, when I looked at my clock, I saw that it was early morning on the 25th and I said to myself, "it's my birthday". You all know that you do this too....this internal joy of another year passing and a new year beginning. What a time for new beginnings and a new decade of living!

The weather is atrocious and the wind is whipping around and the trees are flailing and the leaves are being yanked off the branches. It's a great day if you don't have to go outside. It's supposed to get even worse this afternoon as the storm, which is a spin off of Hurricane Wilma, moves up this side of the country.

Thanks to all who sent cards and packages. It was greatly appreciated.

Love to all,
Monk_1975

When the superiors are away...

Dear Gentle Readers,

This will be short. I am tired. I stayed up too late last night. On our sabbath day, we do not have any chapel offices or Eucharist. I got up around 9.30am and had a leisurely morning. I left for downtown around 11am for a movie and some time outside. I am so glad that I brought my hat with me outside as it was a crispy, cold weather day that made walking outside glorious. It was a great day to be outside, the leaves were crunching under my feet, the wind was blowing softly, my hands were warm in my pockets, my ipod was transmitting my music and my ears and head were nice and toasty inside my hat! From an ex east coaster, I've been told that first the hats come out and then the gloves and after that the real winter coat. It felt good to be outside and to be alive and walking around.

I went and saw the new Charlize Theron movie called "North Country". I had told some members of my community about it and one said, "oh, you mean the movie where Charlize rubs some dirt on her face and says she's a coal miner?" And realistically, when you compare Charlize to the rest of her mining women, she sticks out like a sore thumb. Come on, her highlights were just perfect and the rest of the women were dowdy and looked realistic. Props out to Frances McDormand for another great role. She was my favorite in the movie, wouldn't ya know? While the movie was hard to watch at times due to what these women were fighting against, I was so grateful for what they accomplished. It made me think about that saying that says never doubt that a few people can change the world. I was imagining working in situations like these women and I don't think I could. These were some strong women. It was interesting how, during the movie, there were constant references to the Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill trial--another example of a strong woman standing up for herself and not covering up or excusing what some might term "big boys just being big boys" behavior.

As my title says, the superiors are away on their long retreat of 8 days. It's amazing how much more relaxed this place is and how some of the strictly enforced rules are not being enforced. Yesterday during the night prayer service, there was more noise than usual, people werent sitting up as straight, legs were crossed, books were shuffled around more. Behavior around here is like when a substitute takes over for a teacher. The talking in the hallways and the stairwells has increased and in general, it's a very relaxed environment right now. Yes, there is another sister who is termed the deputy in charge but she's so worried about a midterm due on thursday that she's not worrying about everyone's behavior. And let me reassure you, gentle readers, it's not the younger sisters who are instigating the lax behavior, it's the older ones. The two things missing this week are the convent cat and dog, everyone loves them.

I was talking to the raccoon today and thank God for friends when I need to vent! Raccoon and I usually talk on mondays. I was telling her that I feel as if I now am sinking even deeper into this experience and am becoming more centered and more introverted. The other postulant is afraid of silence and doesnt understand why I like to be quiet---because there's so much to learn from the silence. During this time here, I'm really nurturing my introvert and loving that process. What came to me when I was praying for patience with the other postulant who at times makes me want to scream was ---thank God that I am comfortable in my skin, a process that took a long time to happen. My time in AA and working the 12 steps have been one source of strength that I draw upon in times of trial here. I am so, so glad that I've had opportunities to look long and hard at myself and my defects and strengths. As a friend said, "when you've been rescued from the edge by God, it makes it easier to say "ok"when things are asked of you. " Thanks to that wise friend, who by the way, was lucky enough to have Jesus sleep over at her house or should I say, out in her van. :)

I had spritual direction this past weekend with the superior. When I vented to her about my experiences with the other postulant, I was asked, "what in this experience is your growing point? What is being communicated to you? Where are you being stretched and pushed beyond your comfort zone?" Good questions.

With those questions in mind, I'm off to bed.

Love,
Monk_1975

Translation correction

So it's about 650pm right now on Saturday night and I was checking my email before going to another meeting. I got an email from my priest the Chief about my translating abilities in regard to a song that I had learned on a retreat that has the english translation of come Jesus and save our world.

Here's a bit of her email and it made me laugh out loud when I read it. As I type this I am listening to some music done by the Fisherfolk ministry called "Music from the African Church". You can bet that I downloaded that cd onto my computer immediately so I can access it anytime I need a pickme up! Each morning between morning prayer and Eucharist, I plug my ipod in and go to town with African music and/or Taize songs. It is definitely a part of what my soul needs.

From the chief---Then, another correction I'm afraid - (notice gentle reader, the Jim Wallis spelling change??) the words you have for our woza song,your version, translates as "come priest, save our world" - umfundisi is a priest!!

I bet she got a kick out of reading that. I bet that she laughed out loud in her office.

So the song that I think whenver I hear the sirens in the neighborhood now will rightly go: woza woza Jesu, umSINdisi umhlaba.

I know where umfundisi came from. I had to teach _Cry the Beloved Country_ and that word got embedded in my head as kids would go, hey, what's an umfundisi? Can you picture Latino high school kids trying to read _Cry the Beloved Country_. Actually it was a successful unit despite their initial hesitation.

It's 45 degrees right now. It's crisp and the leaves are falling to the ground faster and faster.

TOmorrow, I am taking the car out for a drive and have been instructed to get purposely lost! Apparently the philosophy is that I will know the town better if I can find my way back from wherever I go.

As always, you are with me in spirit!

love,
monk_1975

Avenue Q and Noonday prayer

Dear Gentle Readers-

It's a quiet day here at the house on holy hill--it's 45 degrees outside and stormy. I was supposed to take the car out today and drive around to get to know the neighborhood. I really didnt want to drive in this pouring down rain. Apprently we are supposed to get a bit of hurricane Wilma on Wednesday morning. The 2 heads are off to a long retreat at the cape cod retreat house. Some of the sisters are off at other church services. Some are reading the paper. Some are getting their clothes and rooms cleaned so that tomorrow the sabbath nothing needs to be done. As for some, I have no clue what they're doing. As for me, I've finished a job I didnt get done yesterday for the publicity office and am now blogging up in my room before heading to noonday prayer which on Sunday is at 12.45 instead of the usual noon. There's usually a great meal afterwards.

I'm slowly working my way through my itunes collection. I'm listening to the Broadway show "Avenue Q". As I listen to these songs, I can see my friends the gay,asian lawyer and the irreverant raccoon laughing so hard. (I sure do miss those two --- they were my party crew if you could go so far as to call raccoon and lawyer a party crew. ) So far, some of my favorite songs are---what do you do with a BA in English, the internet is great for porn and It's ok to be gay. Avenue Q for those who dont know is a show done entirely with puppets.

Well, the big event of today is my 2 hour nap that I'm planning on taking this afternoon. Sunday officially ends with everyone gathering to watch the tv show --Extreme Makeover--home edition. Sundays are great because you can stay up late and not worry about getting up at 5am on monday. I didnt sleep very well last night. I had 2 really bad dreams and kept waking up. I slept off and on and it was very hard to get up this morning.

Anyway, gentle readers, I hope that you have a great day. I always like the way a sunday feels, and how time feels different on this day.

Prayers and love to you all,

monk_1975

Dr's diagnosis and McDonalds run...heehee

Hello Gentle readers,

I just got back from my dr's appointment for my sinuses and it's official--the terrible headaches and the dizzy spells have been caused by my sinuses and the pressure on my inner ear canals. I went to a very nice hospital and had the fastest health care I've ever had--so different than the stuff I had out in CA. The hospital I went to is one attached to a major university so it's super high tech and everything is done via computer including prescriptions. Check this out, as there are about 5 90 year olds in this place, I was eligible for a flu shot as I live in a "long term care " facility. Fancy that.

I had a car signed out for myself today and the dr's visit didnt take 1/2 as long as I thought so I went tooling around town in the community subaru to get to know the town and to practice my east coast driving along the cow paths. I was starving and on the search for something as we had only soup today for lunch. What did my eye spot? I know, I know it was so bad for me. Yes, gentle readers, monk1975 who has been really good about eating lately, went to Mc Donalds. I know that it's so bad--I've seen Supersize me. But it really did the trick and I left the windows down on the ride back so to air out the car. Perhaps it's the sinus infection that is causing me to justify to you in cyberspace why in real time I went to McDonalds. :)

The dr has put me on 3 different medicines and I'm hoping that it will work and take off some of the pressure and pain in my head. My head has been feeling like it's in a vise grip---ARRGGGH.

Anyway, off to a meeting and then to psalm rehearsal.

Love to you all,
monk_1975

Peace amidst the violence

Greetings Gentle Readers,

It is about 30 degrees right now. I'm going to wear a cap today when I go out!! I'm taking a brief break between doing my house tasks. I just spent 30 minutes in prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I did a most beautiful litany for peace while in there. It was written by a brother from the other order here in town. It amazes me how the sirens of the police or the fire or the paramedic seem to clash with the chanting, singing and prayer of the chapel. No matter what time of day it is, the sirens are going strong, which makes all prayer and peacework so necessary. I remember at those times the Taize song that I learned on the college retreat in Malibu that we used as a response for the intercession prayers---woza, woza, umfundisi umkhlaba--Jesus come and save our world. It saddens me to read what is going on the world, in our country, in our cities and how we interact with people only when we need them or when they can do something for us. This seems to piggy back on the quotation found on a memorial for the Rwandan genocide victims. "If you had seen me as a human being, you would not have killed me." I think the key point is to see each other as people, as equally loved by God and equally having a right to love, peace, food, shelter and happiness. There is no caste system officially but it sure seems like the gigantic gap between the rich and the poor could prove otherwise.

Today, the other postulant, is being received at noon day office. I am so glad that she is here on this journey. As she has not been received into the community yet, she has not been given all the fun filled chores that need to be done. Last night, as I sat folding brochures, she came in and kept me company and offered to help. I told her to enjoy her time as a guest as the day would quickly come that she too would get the chores and then we could be maids together. Laughter is keeping me going as well as Taize cds and my african music. Thanks to the Chief for introducing me to South African singer Rebekah. Her music, even though I can't understand it at times, has a beat that seems to get into my soul. It has been a huge help to listen to music as I continue this transition.

Today is a better day. Today is another day and I'm grateful for the fact that each day brings something different and each thing proves to be a learning experience even if I can only recognize it in retrospect.

Not to make you all feel guilty, but emails would be greatly appreciated and or comments. Emails definitely help get me through the day --especially emails that dont give me more chores or appointments.

I am off to the doctor today. I am taking the car out by myself to go see a doctor regarding a really bad sinus headache and some dizziness that comes when I move my head too fast.

Thanks for all your prayers, love and support.

monk_1975

ps-- my 30th birthday is on tuesday!

just another thursday

A ho-hum day here.

My day has been comprised of chores, prayer, DUNKIN DONUTS--thank you to my old roomie, more chores, a really bad sinus headache. Tonight is a free night so I don't know what trouble I will get into. :)

Tomorrow, I'm off to the dr since last night my sinuses were so bad that my room was spinning when I moved my head too fast and my teeth hurt from the pressure. It was as if I had been drinking the way the room went around. The spinning room is due to the pressure on my inner ear and balance.

I'm going to go relax as I have 100 brochures to fold in 45 minutes. Thank God for the training in my college group with folding flyers for recruitment.

Not much to say now. More when I'm less tired.

Did you know that the streets here are based on cow paths? Yes. True.

Peace out,
monk_1975

Crazy Drivers and non stop talkers

Greetings Gentle Readers,

I thought the drivers out on the West Coast were bad, especially in Southern California. But I was wrong! The drivers here would win gold medals in the worst driving contest ever! Pedestrians too just gleefully step in front of cars as well. Oh and the making up of your own traffic lane is a nice touch that hasnt made it out to the West Coast. Apparently today I was too slow making a right turn so this car behind me decides to just move around me and make a right turn.

I am not driving at my usual break neck speed for a few reasons.
#1--I am not used to these cars
#2-- I dont know the streets
#3- I usually have an older sister in the car with me.
#4--I'm not cruising along with my standard praise music/taize or Africa cds going. Music makes all the difference when you're driving.

Today the other soon to be postulant drove me nuts. While we are beginning this journey at the same time, we are not in the same places on the inside and to me, that's a-ok. I am praying everyday to learn to work through my issues with her talking NON STOP whenever she sees me. All of you know I enjoy a good chat but lately I find that I am sinking deeper and deeper into the rhythm of this place and, in so doing, I've noticed that I am craving silence and solitude. To counter this, the other postulant said, "I don't like silence" I immediately thought, "girl, you are in the wrong place if you dont like silence as we have lots of it here." I tried politely to smile and nod and get back to my newspaper article about a football player with no legs who is homecoming king of his school. She didnt get the message and began to jabber on and on about how after a retreat she cant shut up. All I kept thinking about was the 4 hour ride to New YOrk City we're supposed to do next week. I will definitely charge my ipod up for that and check out some novels. While in NYC, I will definitely need some alone time as we're together for 4 days straight.

And if you ever see me with a newspaper reading an article, for the love of all things, please don't interrupt me. Since I can't watch MTV , Blind Dates or South Park TV episodes, the closest thing I have would be the newspaper which I can only read in small doses now since I'm on a schedule. So please, dont mess with me when I'm reading the paper. :) I am starting to take sections of it and retreat to a reading room. However, there you run the chance of an 88 or a 90 year old suddenly yelling out things they think are interesting as they are reading the paper. I guess I can't win here.

5am is going to come too soon.

Over and out,
monk_1975

Reconciliation with Jim Wallis

Greetings Gentle Readers,

As the song goes, "the war is over". Jim Wallis, the left leaning, radically new evangelical who wrote God's Politics , and I are on speaking terms again.

Last night I attended an event where Jim Wallis redeemed himself. I doubt that he knew he was doing this but it worked wonders for me. The last time I saw him was on the west coast with the college group when Ms. Gold Shoes asked the paragraph long question from the gay asian lawyer and the Chief was a responder to Wallis. This time, I was at a different college with Sr. G and Jim said a lot of new stuff that really got me thinking right now.

Here's some of it:

The people left behind in New Orleans are those who have been left out of the system.

A silent tsunami kills 30,000 people each day from hunger and poverty related issues

The way to change the system is not to change the politicians but to be the wind changers ourselves.

The poor have been caught in the debate about them....go out and make personal connections with the poor and your life will change.

Instead of figuring out where our assests will place us higest on the scale, lets look at our vocations and what our gifts are. What do we do that makes us lose track of time and meet the needs of the world at the same time?

So, in essence, I am back on Wallis's side. Except I thought that he missed out by not accepting 2 of my college group's coolest students.

Otherwise, I am well. I miss parts of my community back in Pasadena but each day flies by here. I am adjusting to the schedule. I am getting along wiht the other sisters and am living in the community space that is off limits to the guests of the house.

The other postulant arrives today and I'm really going to watch my personal space and my boundaries. What I've discovered since being here, and my instincts feel good about being here so far, is that despite my high extroversion, I am at heart an introvert who needs to recharge after a lot of interaction. I realized that I did this by living alone and then going out into the world and then coming back into my space.

Now gentle readers, while I miss talking to you whenever I want, I also love not having a cell phone or a set of keys and am really loving that I live in an extremely poor neighborhood and operate on an amount of money that most would laugh at. There's a lot to be said for being counter cultural and visible about it!

One of my urban intern friends raised the issue of community and what the meaning is behind entering and being entrenched in life transforming groups and then leaving for other opportunities that perhaps we didnt ask for. I've been wondering why we are pulled into great communities and then are often asked to leave them. I initially was saddened to know that my west coast church wasnt going to be the church I died at and that the college group was only in my life for a season. But what a season!!! I met so many amazing students and cultivated so many relationships that it only seemed right to not hide my light under a basket or keep it all in one place. When I was in my covenant two class, I kept feeling that my CA church was only a stopping point on the journey, that it was a preparation for something else. Each place I stop at seems to give me tools to keep on keepin on in this never ending journey.

But through the beauty of self adhesive, non stick putty (hail to the Chief for introducing me to Prestik) I was able to put up in my room all sorts of pictures of Church, my college group, Africa and my friends. It really looks like me now. I feel at home. I cannot believe that on thursday I will have been here for 2 weeks. The days really fly bye.

Today is the feast of Saint Luke so there was an elaborate mass with red vestments and lots of smoke and chanting. Lunch today will be an elaborate meal and there will be talking at this meal and at dinner tonight. Today after the morning meeting, I helped the kitchen sister and this afternoon I will spend 2 hours reading/doing laundry. Tonight is a free night so I'll catch up on emails.

The weather contines to be variable. The tree with yellow leaves outside my window is blowing up a storm right now. Earlier this morning it was raining. Supposedly the sun will be out this afternoon. I was reading in the paper that the weather out on the west coast is nice and sunny. It is nice to pull on a coat and wrap myself in a blanket on these crisp fall days.

Peace and love,
monk_1975

Sabbath Monday and glbts

Greetings Gentle Readers-
I just wanted to briefly check in. It's monday, the community day off, so I slept in until 9am, went to the Museum of Sciences, talked to the raccoon, and am off to hear Jim Wallace speak tonight on Evangelism in the Post Katrina world. I heard Jim Wallace once before in California and was very, very upset by the fact that he didnt seem to imagine a place for g/l/b/t people in this new evangelical movement that he is creating.

I remember leaving the place feeling disenchanted by what he said and also feeling left out. I remember thinking, what's a gay Christian to do? Somewhere along the way, someone decided that gay folks seem to need some help in their relationship to Christ and until they are helped or shepherded, then their relationship isnt authentic. That makes me so angry!!! My relationship with God is just fine thank you very much. Maybe this is another instance when being gay at good ol GAY USF with the Jesuits further sheltered me into thinking that everywhere g/l/b/ts were as accepted and loved as they are in SF and at the Univ of SF. And when I see that this isn't so then I am snapped rudely back into reality. This was the case with my first encounter with Jim Wallace. I had read his book--God's Politics and loved it. However, I didnt love it so much after I saw him. I remember picking up the raccoon and just about bursting into tears and saying, over and and over, what about me? Why does my sexuality have to infringe on my religion, at least according to other people. I am always so shocked to see so many heteros getting so concerned about gay/lesbian people. Frankly, I'm really not interested so much in what the heteros are doing so why are people worrying so much about me. One of my favorite posters in my college dorm room was of this 1950 pulp fiction lesbian couple and these giant words behind it that said something to the effect, "See the Lesbians as they wash the dishes, make the bed......and order Chinese food!!!!"

Well, I should do my laundry but I wont. I have enough to wear this week and I can always sneak a load in when I'm studying or reading.

The other postulant to be arrives tomorrow. All day long I have been wondering what she's been doing today. I find myself thinking back to my last day before flying out here. I had spent the week with my community and celebrating my relationships with people and eating more than I should have. However, I needed that as I have been drawing on the support and prayers of my community here and also back in CA. As my friend the Raccoon says, "You make friends everywhere you go since you are the charming monk." Sister X the superior said something similar when she said, you have a hugely welcoming spirit.

Otherwise, I am doing very well. I'm all moved into my room. I got some sticky stuff to put up my pictures and make the walls a little less bare and a little more alive. I've been listening to a lot of music. This blog and emails have really also helped. Thanks to everyone who has emailed or to my college/grad roomie who sent me the dunkin donut card!!!

Off to go get some dinner and then to the speaker tonight!

Love and Prayers,
Monk_1975

The light, the light!!!!

Gentle Readers,
I thought that my life had turned in the song that goes ---All the leaves are on the ground and the sky is grey---thank God that it's not anymore!! Today during the mass, these rays of light came through the windows and for the first time there has been sun. I was so happy to see the sun. Being a CA native has really, really made me appreiciate the sunlight. Yesterday it was pouring down rain and the cold, cold wind that some ex-East Coasters had told me about.

My mom continues to believe that I am melting into a puddle of tears. Gentle readers, I am doing well and only had the 1 bad day last week. I'm upset at my computer since it tries to convery my I tunes files into the stupid dell juke box but these are 1000 plated, gold quality problems. The superior and the asst were quite concerned to hear that my mom isnt taking this well so it was highly suggested to me that I call her--suggested like when a police officer suggests you to get out of the car. She was relieved to hear from me--I wonder if she thought that my voice box had been permanantly removed. It was a difficult conversation for me to have with her as she kept insinuating that I was sad, that I was upset and that I had moved all the way across the country to do something really hard. How in the world do I explain the concept of community to my mom who refuses to shake hands with people when she goes to the 730am, Roman Catholic mass and wont talk to anyone? I am in the midst of community both physical and emotional--from both coasts now. The phones and emails work for me. My friend the optimistic organist--if you know her, I hope you are laughing at her name!!--- told me that when someone makes a counter-cultural move that radically shifts their life around, it sends out these ripples that shake up others around that person and makes them look long and hard at their lives. It turns out that what she's really upset about is that my dad is talking to people about the life decision I have made and it got out to one of her friends what I was doing before mom could couch it in terms that were comfortable for her. My mom is someone who bases her self worth on how others view her and her kids. While all of my mom's friends brag about their kids being police officers, artists, writers, money makers, etc---- my mom used to get a big kick out of saying, "my daughter is a mexican high school teacher who works in the inner city of Los Angeles". This is not accurate but it gave her an edge up as she had a daughter who was educated at a highly ranked grad school and was now teaching the poor kids. In recounting to me how my father had spread the good news too far and too wide, Mom was saying, well now so and so knows and then so and so will find out. To make a long, long story very short---the phone call was very pastoral yet it made me sad to know that my mom probably will never understand what I am doing. She certainly didnt understand Africa so I wonder why I think she will get this. Perhaps the fact that the soon to be other postulant is having her mother at her reception service --which really isnt even a service but about 30 seconds before noon office. I'll type up the details later.

Before I race off to noon office, here's what I found in my mail box so you can get a glimpse of my day.

Daily Timetable: Monk_1975

6am --morning prayer
Meditation
7.30am Eucharist
Breakfast
8.45 am (brief check in with asst. superior )
9am community meeting
10-10.30 --intercessions (prayer for others ) at the appointed desk
12 noon ---Noon service
12.30 pm--Lunch or what is called here Dinner
2-4---Reading/Study/Class (Tuesday through Saturday)
5 pm Psalm Rehearsal
5.30 pm Evening Prayer
6pm Dinner
7.30---(Wednesday/Saturday) Choir Rehearsal
7.30pm (Friday) Community Time
8.10 --Community Silent Prayer in Chapel
8.30pm Compline/Night Service (Tuesday through Sat)
7.30pm Compline (Sunday)

Weekly Spiritual Direction/1 hour check in with Superior on Saturdays

DAy Off---Monday. You are free to do whatever and whenver you wish! Have fun.

As always, I remain,

monk_1975

LEAVE A COMMENT

Greetings gentle readers-

anyone may now leave a comment. You do not have to join blogger or anything like that to leave a comment. Thanks to those who joined just to leave me comments.

Hope to hear from you!

monk_1975

Reception Day 10/15

Thank God for friend's emails after I read my mother's email about how she cried when she read my email as I sounded so sad in it. Yes, I have moments of homesickness but I'm not going to die as she thinks I will. There is such a joy unbounded here that it makes me silly sometimes and the sisters prove it. As I was coming out of chapel, Sister P from Haiti was taking off her robe and she started dancing and clowning around in front of the mirror as she had caught my eye and she was trying to get me to laugh out loud. These Haitian sisters are a real riot---if you can understand what they're saying.

Today is the feast of St. Theresa of Avila, the Chief's birthday and my two dear friend's daughter's birthday. It is also my reception into the community and the long awaited day where I move up from the guest/infirmary 2nd floor to the closed/community only 3rd floor. It's rainy in again. Did I move to Seattle or what? The sun has been hiding all week.

In about 2 hours I'll put on the jumper. In my mind, I've associated it with the cassock and it seems better in my mind to imagine myself in a cassock rather than a jumper. Last night I was measured for my cross and since "I'm hefty in the bossom" I need a longer one than most so that the cross doesnt stick straight out and poke someone in the eye. It's about 930am and I've been asked to think about the word desire as it is a word that appears in every service that takes you up to the next level in this life.

A funny thing happened before compline last night, I finally listened to Avenue Q's gay republican puppet sing "my girlfriend lives in Canada" and the line where he shouts "I cant wait to eat my girlfriend's ---well you get it...I hope " had me in stictches and downright snorting aloud in my room. Thank God we have 15 minutes of silence before the service begins or else I would probably be in trouble.

Apparently, on the downlow, the raunchy and absolutely inappropriate Tony Award winning musical Avenue Q has quite a big following here. It's not out on the general music library but if you ask it will arrive inside your mailbox in an envelope. The big news of the day is that sisters are petitioning to get cable as we are missing out on all sorts of things like the History Channel and Discovery and in my mind I donate some money so I could watch MTV 's "my super sweet sixteen party". Clearly, letting go of some things is easier said than done.

Anyway, I've got to go pack up my last few things.

Prayer of St Theresa--
(Here's my favorite one---and I keep hearing "you be my hands". I do believe there is a statue somewhere in the world where Jesus stands with outstretched arms and has no hands or feet. Supposedly it's created on the philosophy that we are here to be His hands and His Feet!)

Christ has no body now on earth but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours; yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion looks out on the world, yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good and yours are the hands with which He is to bless us now. Teresa of Avila


As always my friends, you are with me in spirit.

Much love,
Monk_1975

A quote for pondering....

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. (Anais Nin)

Mary and the critters....

One of the hardest things for a native Californian to deal with is the lack of sun right now. The sun isnt supposed to be out until Tuesday at the earliest. Today the wind was blowing and people are walking around in the pre-winter coat coat. Coats are such a big deal back here and for good reason. My little ol' Navy sweatshirt was ok today but the wind it was a blowing out here. I now have a fleece lined raincoat and a winter squall jacket.

I am excited at the seasons changing. The trees that are losing their leaves are in a similar state of transistion to myself. As each leaf falls off, it is similar to one more thing that I am being asked to let go of. Today, the asst. superior said, "Even change that we create for ourselves is hard and those letting goes are the hardest as we purposely chose to do this. We are being proactive and not passive and the change that we sometimes choose for ourselves is more intense than the change that others could/would choose for us"

I have been thinking more and more about letting go and being open. Each morning in the dining hall, as sisters slurp down coffee and cereal and toast, I sit at a table that faces out into the garden. From this table, as I too slurp my coffee and chow down on toast, I can see statue of the Mary with her arms open. Sometimes, Mary is taken advantage of by squirrels as she is used as a launching post so they can jump onto the bird feeders. Other times, a squirrel will sit there with his/her big furry tail and it looks like Mary has a Daniel Boone Raccoon hat. What strikes me as being important in this stage of the journey is that Mary is in a position of being open. OPEN. Open to change. Open to new ideas. Open to possibility. Mary was placed in a tough place and she said, "yes" despite everything and everyone against her. Her willingness to be open is encouraging and inspiring. Open. Being open leaves one vulnerable to things but it also creates a space for newness and possibilities that couldnt come in if we were closed off. As a sister said, "Well, mary really did the hard work for us. What we are called to do isnt that bad." The sister who said this is one of my favorites as her dry sense of humor is similar to mine.

Soon I will go off to chapel to sit in silence for 15 minutes before the night service of compline starts. While in the chapel lately, I have been opening a closed hand, over and over. If I'm constantly holding onto the past and my community and my old life, then I will never be able to have space for the new opportunities coming my way. I am reminded that God has a bigger imagination than I do. That's the absolute truth. Who would ever have imagined 5 years ago that I would be turning 30 years old in a monastic community? Who would ever have imagined that I'd have 3 years and 10 months of sobriety? Who would ever have guessed I'd be an Episcopalian? Anyway, being open is what I'm going to be.

Prayers and love,
Monk_1975

I found my blog---:)

I thought that this was missing along with my itunes, but it's not. It was buried in a network file on my computer which the computer guy established yesterday. So, here, gentle readers, is what I worked on during my first weekend in Holy Hill.

October 8--11 2005
It’s about 7.50pm on the East Coast right now. I’ve been in my room uploading photos and listening to my 8 days worth of itunes music. I was informed by someone that I needed to take off my pictures from my camera and put them on my computer. I am realizing how final this move seems- and at some moments during the days that feels good and some times during that same day I am scared beyond all belief. It was, however, a relief to get on the plane. It was the first time I had been by myself in a week. My community sent me off in full fan fare and I was amazed at the love shown me. The chief drove me to the airport super early and I was left to negotiate the airport lines with my 2 big bags, a laptop bag, a full backpack and a bag full of food from the chief’s kitchen. I felt overwhelmed, scared, lonely and glad to finally be at this jumping off point. I had been talking about coming here for some time and suddenly there was flight 222 headed to my destination. Included in the food bag, there was a spoon that got lost along the way and I ended up only eating fruit for the journey, which was a huge improvement from the good, high caloric food I had been eating in my goodbye week. After getting through security, and finally arriving at the gate, I realized that it was just me and God in this limbo land between lives. The flight was non eventful as I slept through most of it. However, usually when there is a bathroom around, I feel compelled to visit it but for this flight I had a window seat and held it until we were above Detroit. After hitting massive amounts of turbulence, I knew I couldn’t hold it any more and had to literally climb over the folks in my row. After 5 hours, I touched down and I felt ok, exhausted but ok.

I was met at the airport by SKF (all holy hill members will be identified only by initials) who was sporting the full habit and you should have seen the looks as we wheeled my bags through the airport. We arrived at holy hill after vespers had started so I had about 10 minutes before everyone came racing out of chapel to greet me. It was wonderful being so welcomed, so loved and so accepted. I ate dinner and immediately went to bed and was not required to do morning prayer and had almost 14 hours of sleep. I needed it. While eating dinner, I felt relieved to have arrived and the meal of chicken noodle soup and crusty bread was comforting.

My room for the next week is on the guest floor, right across from the superior. On October 15, 2005 I will be received as a postulant in the community and will move to the community only 3rd floor. Currently my room has all my African fabrics up and on the bed. My desk and window sill are covered with my books and stuff that I don’t want to put away as I’m leaving this room soon. Weather wise, Friday and Saturday it was about 70 and the humidity is at 100%--and I’m getting teased for bringing west coast weather with me. The chapel was unbearably hot and sisters were sitting there wiping the sweat off their faces before it dripped onto their prayer books.

There are 2 possible vocation people here this weekend as it’s the “Come and See” weekend. I am the go between and these two women are really interesting and we’ve just been sharing our stories. Today we went out to close up one of the houses on the Cape Cod properties and ended up just sitting around on the enclosed porch watching the ocean and talking. We were treated to dessert on the way home and I had this Danish custard in candy corn flavor with actual frozen candy corn from a place called Far Fars and it was hugely sweet and sickeningly sweet; my flavor choice didn’t help much---candy corn on top of pumpkin. I was really only able to eat about ½ of it.

I am feeling surprisingly emotional and at times I feel so sad and so homesick for everything I knew. I am reminded by a bookmark to “trust the process” and to trust God always. I love the community but I am grieving my old life—my church, my cats, my best friends, etc. I feel as if I am in the dark and I know, I know that there is transformation ahead but this is a tough place to be in.

After dinner tonight, I came up to my room and listened to itunes and watched a slide slow and wept as the pictures of pre-holy hill were spinning by. I know that there are wonderful things ahead, and that I am exhausted and that this transition isn’t done or even close. I am comforted by God when I wrap my African prayer mantle around me and think over and over, “I come with joy to meet my Lord, forgiven, loved and free.” I have surrendered.

I came out of compline –the last service of the day--- and was greeted by the superior in the hallway. She whispered, “how are you?” and with tears in my eyes I murmured “I’m having a really, really hard time right now.” Sister X the superior is a feisty little woman with piercing eyes and a southern drawl. She grabbed me by the arms, planted a huge kiss on my face and said three things. “I knew that you were having a hard time. #1—we love you and love having you here! #2—you are called by God to be here and you know that’s true. #3 You don’t need the outside world, you need this place so you can go out and minister to the world.” Afterwards, I curled up in my African fabric and fell asleep.

Sunday was a day where the sisters and the 2 vocations people and I sat around discussing the four points of religious life that radiate out from the center of God. The points are ---the city, the monastery, the desert and the dialogue/learning. If you’re interested in more about this, email me. While we were sitting in the circle, I knew that this is where I was meant to be and that I wanted to be here, even though I miss my community in the west desperately at times. I was talking to the other sisters and they said, “get ready to cry a lot. We did and it’s totally normal.”

Monday is the community Sabbath day. This means no offices, no meals prepared formally and it’s a chance to sleep a lot, read the paper all day, go down into the city via mass transit, do laundry and get everything done that isn’t able to be done during the busy week. I woke up around 930 and showered, ate some cereal and headed off to the center of town to see a movie, grab some Mexican food—there is no comparison between West Coast and East Coast food. It’s been raining a lot and is supposed to be dark and rainy all week. Sister X mentioned to me that there is a light machine in the exercise room and she wants me to spend some time there.

Raccoon would have been so proud of little ol monk_1975 on the t line today---the subway system here. I decided that I wanted to get out of the house today and go exploring this new town. The only way to do that was to use my two feet. It was a dark and rainy day and one of the sisters let me borrow her umbrella but it was half broken so my first stop after emerging off of the T was to go to the local pharmacy and buy an umbrella and I think that was what about half of the town had decided to do. I also asked for directions to the movie theatre and was relieved to know that I had gotten off on the right stop.

I went down to the Loews movie house and saw a movie that even pushed my limits. Anyone who knows me, especially my college roomie, can tell you that I can watch almost any and all stupid teeny bopper movie. I was in the mood to laugh and to see something light hearted. I saw the movie---“waiting”---and it was terrible but there were some really, really funny, but absolutely disgusting moments. I did have some big belly laughs though. When the movie was over, I went to a Mexican place that I had found when I was out here before and ate a huge, huge, plate of nachos and read Jane/People magazine. Apparently, there is an underground magazine rotation between the sisters here, especially the under 40 set, so I will put the Jane magazine under someone’s door. I am also reading Br. Benet Tvedten’s the view from a monastery and Jennifer Weiner’s In her shoes in case you’re wondering.

I’m sitting here in my room, it’s about 830pm and I’m listening to a copy of the Chief’s “Greatest Hits of South Africa” which I uploaded while staying at her place. I watched a bit of an x-files episode, did my laundry and spoke to three people on the phone. Apparently the phone cards I’m using show different numbers each time I call. When I called the Raccoon from the movie theatre today, I also lost 20 minutes of calling time as a penalty for using the pay phone. I’m feeling good now. I have my moments of missing people and I really, really refrained from calling people this weekend as I know that I cannot sink into this community if I am still trying desperately to hold onto my west coast community. However, as I was walking, yes, don’t laugh, I walked about 3 miles today by choice—I thought, well, God, here we are and I feel good. I know that I’m not alone, in the slightest bit and that I am called to do some great work. Sometimes it’s hard to have to ask to use the phone or to tell someone where I’m going but in a way it’s similar to being in my early days of sobriety where I had to report in to my sponsor.

Tomorrow, my computer will be connected to the internet so I can send emails and post this section of my blog. I am going in for my psychological testing tomorrow which will take about three hours. Sister X has told me not to worry about it. I also have to have a 5 year back ground check which apparently this bishop of this diocese will sign off on.

I have also found out that I’ll be going to New York City in about 2 weeks and I am really, really excited about it. Apparently the house we’re staying in is right about the dunking donuts shop and on the way to the fulton fish market. We will join the sisters at Trinity Church Wall Street for a huge service that I think is similar to my old church’s homecoming celebration. Afterwards, we will be given a ton of free time and as Sister X said, “you all will be turned loose for some free time to tear the city up”

You are all in my thoughts and prayers—
Peace,
Monk_1975

3 day post missing

Gentle readers-
It's a gloomy day here on holy hill. A super cool blog that I had spent the past 3 days working on was wiped off my computer as the computer specialist wiped clean my computer to reconfigure the system. I think I may have also lost 12 gs of music that the gay asian lawyer gave me.

I had my psychological exams today. I felt really, really slow at times, especially the spatial relationsh and money questions.

I have been given the rest of the day off--except for prayers of course.

More later after a nap!

sleepily-
monk_1975

Sharing some of my love with you...

Love is surrounding me from all sides and I am so, so grateful for everything that everyone has done for me. My email has been filling up with love notes...I selected 2 that were so touching and decided to post them. Names were changed but the love stays the same...

From one of my college students who now is on the East Coast...
I heard you were moving.I can't believe this is actually happening. You are doing this! You are moving across the country andstarting on the process of becoming a "sister." I feel spiritually unprepared to have a friend who is a postulant, like I am a nun by association.Speaking of association, do you think I could comeassociate with you and your new family up in Holy Hill sometime? I miss you like tortillas, but more so. My advice, as one recently separated from all those I hold dear in California, is to thank God for the timeyou've spent with them and trust that God, who brought you together, delighted in your friendship even morethan you did. Trust that She knows what She is doing when She takes you to a new community.I love you so much

From my dad---
Hi Monk_1975----no my dad does not call me that--- I tried to call your cell phone today but it has already been disconnected. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I love you and that I will miss you. I had a great time with you on Saturday and as always Albert kept the evening very entertaining. I have been and will continue to pray for you to ask God to give you wisdom and discernment to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing. I love you. Dad

My response to my dad's email--which made me cry as I was typing this.

Dear Dad- I could not be doing this without you!!! You have been such a support to me and I should have turned my phone off on Friday instead of today. I have been staying with the priest this past week and that has been fun even though we never really see each other since I've had appointments and dinners and lunches with everyone. It's been a very, very busy week. I'm so loved down here and my community is amazing here in the west coast and at times its been hard to realize that I'm leaving but I know that I'm doing the right thing. I leave at 730am tomorrow and arrive at Holy Hill around 1pm west coast time. I have been running around also getting what seems to be everything that I forgot from phone cards, to socks, etc. I don't know about phone access but I will have my internet access up and running probably by this weekend. I will miss you so much and it was a lot of fun seeing you again in Berkeley. Thanks for being in my life and being such a big supportive and loving part. You will be with me at Holy Hill or wherever I go. All my love and thanksgiving- monk_1975

Well, this is the last blog from the west coast. It's been a busy morning again. I went to a store looking for a slip and the salesgirl looked at me like I had 10 heads. Doesn't everyone shop for slips? Last night, I had the most amazing dinner and fellowship with an amazing couple who are such gifts to me. One of their kids is fascinated and perhaps a bit freaked out by the concept of nuns and she watched me as I was folding my clothes since when you invite me over for dinner, I bring my laundry along. My mom would die if she knew that I did that last night. Anyway, I was folding the clothes and I was folding a grey tank top which I think the kid thought was some special nun issue. I showed her that it was an OLD NAVY top and she looked relieved. I jokingly told her that when I land, a cross will be shaved into my head. AS my friend said, "You wish they would shave your head." :)

I am meeting with my spiritual director today and then a college roommate and then my last dinner. The priest will drive me to the airport tomorrow bright and early as I have a 730am flight out of here.

If you're reading this blog, you're probably a friend and to all my friends, both old and new, you will travel with me to Holy Hill and beyond. I am so lucky to be coming from such a great community. You have taught me so much. You have loved me beyond belief.

Til I blog from Holy Hill---
much love and grace to you---
monk_1975

ps--I know how dramatic this sounds....bear with me....:) Wait til it starts to snow.

2 days and counting

Hello readers,

Sorry it took so long to post again. I know that you were all on the edge of your seats. I have been doing a lot of closure and getting ready to leave for Holy Hill on Thursday morning. I last posted from San Francisco where I spent some time with my friends the raccoon and the lawyer. We drove up on Friday and ate our way through SF. We went to an amazing pastry place where I got a carnitas turnover that was so good. Raccoon had a lemon tart and Lawyer had one of everything. I think I ate the equivalent of the world's daily caloric needs twice over.

After spending the day in SF, we drove to Marin County and picked up my dad who would go with us to airport. We stopped for dinner at Zachary's pizza in Berkeley which was amazing and all were feeling quite full when we left. I don't know what I was expecting from this trip but I didn't feel it. It solidified my notion that I am done in SF. It was good to be there with my pals but I was done. I was also exhausted, stressed and emotional. It felt good to land back in Burbank.

Sunday 10/2 was my last time at church for now at least. I was prayed for in the interecessions and then we carried up the oblations to our priest who was celebrating the Eucharist. Something happened as I walked up the aisle to one of my favorite tunes---a world in need now summons us to labor, love and give. I was carrying the bread and as I passed the bread to my priest, we both had tears in our eyes. We stood around the altar as the Eucharist was celebrated---my spirit was racing and my heart was full. After receiving communion, my priest came up to me asking for a hug, and together with Jesus (she was carrying a cup of consecrated bread) I gave her a huge hug.

After the service, I stood on the lawn and said goodbye and talked to a lot of people who were there to wish me well. I feel so supported, loved and celebrated. We had our first Indaba meeting and then before the meeting was over, the priest aka Chief called me into the center of the circle and everyone present at Indaba laid their hands on me. From all directions, front, side, top, bottom, I felt so supported, loved. It was a holy, holy moment. Afterwards, there was a taize service where all my favorite songs were played. There is one song in particular that always sends me into fits of joy and love----"With You O Lord is life in all its fullness and in your Light we shall see true Light." It's a really upbeat song and the musicians played with their hearts and souls. Afterwards, there was a long, sacred moment of silent where almost all were crying.

Monk 1975's food diary --actual and planned future meals--I'm tired of eating!
Sunday night---Afghan food
Monday--Coffee Table breakfast (eggs), Crocodile Cafe (salad), coffee, Houstons--steak
Tuesday--Denny's (eggs), Lunch, Dinner at L and J's house
Wednesday---Green Street, Late lunch, Dinner with friends
Thursday--Airport coffee

People are popping out of the woodwork and realizing that I'm leaving. It's forcing me to choose between who I want to see and who didn't make the deadline. While I'm tired of being busy, I know that this is such a tangible sign of how much I am loved and how I am connected and I would trade that for the world. I really wish I didn't drive 60 miles to buy lightbulbs in Valencia though.

If you're wondering about names in this blog, these names are not randomly given but in order to protect privacy, I've given these names so they know who they are.

Peace out-
Monk_1975

To San Francisco and Beyond...

My best friend the minesweeper and I left Pasadena at 630am this morning and made the trek to San Francisco to drop off my car. I arrived at minesweeper's house after spending a not so fitful but very appreciated night at my friend the asst. organist's house with her 2 cats--ivan and oliver.

We made it to SF at about 130pm after having about 7 hours of past relationship therapy on the way. The only time we stopped talking was at Denny's in a scary part of Central California where my friend the lawyer kept asking questions about gay areas that I had to answer quietly into the phone. I am pleased to announce that minesweeper managed very, very successfully to drive the car and to contrary opinion she is not too short to drive a honda.

In SF we have done the following---
napped, eaten sandwiches, showered, lost keys, had keys deactivated, got charged 15.00 for an extra person, paid 30.00 to park the car, looked at big houses, went to the Haight Ashbury area, looked at stores, ate some pizza, some vegan tamales and more mexican food than one group of people should consume. The lawyer had us drive across the Golden Gate Bridge so minesweeper could see the bridge. WE posed for goofy pictures and had perfect strangers take high resolution pictures of us. Afterwards, we were all fading so we listened to South AFrican music and cruised back home. We've printed out our boarding passes and are ready to head upstairs to sleep.

All are also surprised to discover that I like baseball and am following the tie between the Yankees and the Red Sox. Hey, whats a girl to do if she's moving to Boston.

PEace out,

monk_1975